Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2004 23:36:49 -0800 (PST)
From: Jen Kerner 
To: suz@cyberspace.org
Subject: fanfic

Here's a little something my brother and I have been working on... I hope you
can get attachments!

Transformers: The Lost Episode

Or: The Writers Got Bored And Cranky This Week

by Jen Kerner
(special thanks to technical consultant/continuity editor Ryan Shoemaker)

*Transformers is the property of Hasbro. This piece is meant solely as a parody.*

We begin in the desert outside Autobot headquarters, where the Autobots and Decepticons are shooting at each other. Again.

Ironhide: When do I get to see some action?! I wanna kill somethin'!
Starscream: It's action you want, you moronic mouthpiece? Then it's action you'll get! Decepticons, attack!
(all Decepticons concentrate intense fire on Ironhide; Laserbeak pecks him on the windshield for good measure)
Ironhide: Owwwww... stupid bird! (grabs Laserbeak by the wing and throws him out of the frame)
Bumblebee: Sizzlin' Cybertron, Ratchet... Ironhide's been hit pretty bad.
Ratchet: Not again! Why does this happen in EVERY... SINGLE... EPISODE?!
Wheeljack: It looks like I'm the one who'll see action today.
Optimus Prime: Ratchet, get him back to the lab... again.
Ratchet: Way ahead of ya, Prime... (loads Ironhide in back; mutters under breath) ...of course I'm way ahead of ya 'cause this happens every single flippin' time!
Ironhide: Lemme go back and kill somethin'! I'm fine!
Optimus Prime: I wish I could believe that, Ironhide.
Brawn: You Decepticreeps! I'll turn all of ya into iron filings! (picks up Hook and throws him about 100 feet)
Hook: Constructicons! Don't let that happen again! Transform and merge into... DEVASTATOR!
(Constructicons merge)
Devastator: Devastator destroy! (stomps toward Brawn)
Brawn: Not today, you brainless hunk 'a metal! (attempts to pick Devastator up by the foot; Devastator stomps on him, then throws him at Ratchet)
Devastator: Fix THAT!
Ratchet: Not you too! All right, let's get you to the lab. (loads Brawn in back) Brawn, I know you're strong, but Devastator is very... big.
Brawn: Aaaaaaaaah, shaddap! I'll git 'im next time!
Cliffjumper: Eat glass gas, Starscream! (fires glass gas in Starscream's general direction and hits a nearby tree, which falls and hits Cliffjumper on the head; Cliffjumper begins pounding mercilessly on the tree)
Bumblebee (flatly): Cliffjumper.
Cliffjumper: WHAT?!
Bumblebee (even more flatly): That's a tree trunk.
Cliffjumper: It hit me first!
Bumblebee (enthusiastically): Well, why didn't ya say so? Lemme at it! (joins in beating mercilessly on tree, then stops abruptly) Owwwwwww! I got a splinter in my tire! (air hissing out) RATCHET! I gotta flat!
Ratchet: Can't I go five feet without somebody getting hurt? Bumblebee, I'm outta room... please tell me you can WALK without your tires!
Bumblebee: Sure, Ratchet... I'm getting tired of blowouts, though!
Ratchet: You're not the only one! Let's go... before anyone else gets hurt. And Bumblebee?
Bumblebee: Yeah?
Ratchet: You know we're gonna laugh at you for this for weeks.
Bumblebee: Yeah, I know...
(Ratchet and injured Autobots finally get inside headquarters)
Soundwave: Rumble. Frenzy. Eject. Operation. Elimination.
Frenzy (as he jumps out of Soundwave's chest): Hey Auto-brats! Let's get ready to Rumble!
Rumble: Nooooooo no no no no no... me Rumble. You Frenzy.
Frenzy: But if you're Rumble, how come you're blue?
Rumble: I'll bring it up at the next animators' meeting. Just help me make an earthquake. (both start pounding ground) Besides... I like blue.
Cliffjumper (while still pounding tree): This is no fun! It's not fighting back! (stops momentarily, then resumes) I better make sure it's really dead.
Optimus Prime: Everyone who isn't going for repairs is beating up dead trees... looks like it's time for reinforcements.
(Optimus Prime opens fire and shoots down all the Decepticons in 1.4 seconds flat)
Starscream: Decepticons, retreeeeeeeeeeeeat!
Optimus Prime (flatly): Cliffjumper.
Cliffjumper (still beating on tree): WHAT?!
Optimus Prime (even more flatly): You can stop beating up the tree now.
Cliffjumper: Prime, anyone ever tell you... you can be a real killjoy sometimes! (stops hitting tree) Did I kill it?
Optimus Prime: I... think so.

The scene shifts to the Decepticons' secret underwater headquarters, where Megatron is working on a hugely powerful weapon. Again. Starscream runs into headquarters, followed by several wounded Decepticons.

Starscream: Water bad water bad water baaaaaaaaaad! Megatron, why did our headquarters have to be underwater?
Megatron: Starscream, you idiot! The Autobots have defeated you again! Just like every single episode so far!
Starscream: How dare you! I am the mighty Starscream! And one day I will overthrow you and lead the Decepticons to victory! Besides... haven't you lost every single episode so far, too?
Megatron: Silence, moron! (throws Starscream halfway across the room) My fellow Decepticons, I have created a new weapon powerful enough to destroy all the Autobots in one shot... and give us control of the universe! Bwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Starscream: Owwwww... Megatron, help me up!
Megatron: QUIT WHINING, Starscream! As I was saying... we will vanquish the feeble Autobots in one swipe and claim every shred of Earth's energy once and for all with the aid of the... WHOZAWHATZITS!!
(We see a close-up shot of the Whozawhatzits, a large, boxy object with a long rifle barrel sticking out of the top... it appears rather non-threatening by robot standards)
Starscream: Whozawhatzits?! Megatron, that's geeky!
Megatron: What do you expect? We used up all the cool names on the weapons that didn't work.
Starscream: Oh.
Megatron: But the Autobots will forget all about the geeky name of the Whozawhatzits... when they are banished from Earth FOREVER!!!

The scene shifts to the cliff above Decepticon headquarters, where several Autobots are spying on the Decepticons. Again.

Jazz: Just don't make us go down there! Water ain't cool!
Hound: You know... why would they leave their headquarters underwater? Doesn't the word rust mean anything to them?... Wait a minute, Jazz. We don't have to go down there. Look!
(both lean over to see a very badly disguised Decepticon headquarters)
Jazz: Let's get back to headquarters and tell Prime! Last one there has sand in his gears! A little travelin' music, Hound? (Jazz cranks up the tunes to beyond full blast)
Hound: I would tell you to turn that off, but you can't hear me!
Jazz: What?

The scene shifts back to Decepticon headquarters, where the weapon is ready to go. Again.

Megatron: Eeeexxxxxxcellent. With the Whozawhatzits, we can destroy those puny Autobots, take all of the earth's energy and control the entire universe in LESS THAN 10 MINUTES!
Starscream: Mighty Megatron, do you ever explain just how these weapons of yours work?
Megatron: Quiet!!! If you wanted to figure it out, couldn't you do it yourself? Weren't you a SCIENTIST?
(the Decepticons hear Jazz and his tunes from all the way at the bottom of the sea)
Skywarp: Agghhh! My auditory sensors! Cheesy eighties music!!
Starscream: That's not just any cheesy eighties music... that's that Autobot Jazz playing cheesy eighties music!
Megatron: Well, don't just stand there! Decepticons! Transform! To Autobot headquarters!
Soundwave: Rumble. Frenzy. Ravage. Laserbeak. Transform. Operation. Elimination. Again.
Rumble (jumping out of Soundwave's chest): Let's get this party started... Rumble-style! (hits the ground and immediately starts pounding, creating an earthquake at Decepticon headquarters)
Megatron: You simpleton! We're on your side!
Rumble: Oh. (stops) Sorry, Megatron... that's just so much fun!
Megatron: Never mind that! Let's just go! Somebody pick up the Whozawhatzits!
(Laserbeak scoops up the Whozawhatzits, which appears a bit too heavy for him; no one helps; Decepticons head for Autobot headquarters)

The scene shifts to Autobot headquarters, which is about to be under attack. Again.

Wheeljack (tightening Brawn's leg): That's the last piece of ya, buddy.
Ratchet: That's the longest it's taken us to repair everyone in months!
Ironhide: I'm ready for some more action!
(the Autobots hear Jazz and his tunes approaching)
Wheeljack (sarcastically): Call it a wild guess, but I think Jazz is back.
Hound (as he and Jazz screech to a halt just inside headquarters): Prime! Decepticons!
Optimus Prime (gesturing toward Jazz): Huh?!
Hound (much louder): DECEPTICONS!!!!!
Jazz: They're right on our -- (Skywarp fires on Jazz and hits him in the speakers, silencing the music) That ain't my scene, man! Wheeljack! Fix me!
Wheeljack: Here we go again.
Starscream: Nobody ordered you to fire, Skywarp!
Skywarp: I had to do something to stop the cheesy eighties music! It was almost as irritating as your voice!
Starscream: Well, I'll give you credit for that -- HEYYYYYY!
Optimus Prime: Autobots, transform and roll out!
(all Autobots transform into vehicle mode, if they weren't already there, and regroup outside headquarters)
Ironhide: I'm gonna blast all y'all's heads all the way back to Cybertron!
Optimus Prime: I wish I could believe that.
Starscream: Now fire!
(all Decepticons concentrate intense fire on Ironhide; Laserbeak pecks him on the windshield for good measure)
Ironhide: You wanna piece of me, I get a piece of YOU, ya tin-coated turkey! (bites Laserbeak on the wing; freezes) Owwwwww...
Ratchet: Oh no, Ironhide, not again!
Ironhide: I'm fine... jutht a few mithing teeth.
Ratchet: No you're not. You've never made it through an entire episode fine.
Bumblebee: Ironhide's been hit pretty bad.
Ratchet: I know, I know... just get back in the lab, ya redneck. (loads Ironhide in back)
Ironhide: Honetht, I'm fine!
Brawn: Don't worry Ironhide, I'll take over for ya! Yeeee-haaaaaaaa! (throws Hook about 100 feet)
Hook (struggling to his feet): Mmmmmmpphhh... I told you not to let that happen again, Constructicons! MERGE!!!
(Constructicons merge)
Devastator: Devastator eat you! (stomps toward Brawn)
Brawn: Let's try this again... (attempts to pick up Devastator by the foot; Devastator stomps on him twice and throws him at Ratchet)
Devastator: Fixing harder this time!
Ratchet: I hate these fight scenes! (loads Brawn in back and heads toward headquarters) Brawn... I told ya he was big.
Brawn: Shaddap!
Spike: I wanna help, Dad! We gotta help the Autobots! I wanna help!
Sparkplug: Only if I get to come along.
Bumblebee: It's too dangerous! Guys! Get in! (transforms into car mode; Spike and Sparkplug get inside)
Ravage (as he appears out of nowhere): Rrrrrrowwwwrrr!!! (pounces on Bumblebee and starts scratching and biting)
Bumblebee: Never mind! Get out!
(Spike and Sparkplug leap out; Bumblebee transforms into robot mode and starts pushing against Ravage, with limited success; Skyfire appears out of nowhere and fires a shot up Ravage's nose)
Ravage: Mew... (leaves in a hurry, tail between legs)
Skyfire: Bad kitty!
Spike: It's Skyfire!
Sparkplug: Son, he stopped being a surprise after his second show.
Skyfire: Now... let's teach these Decepticons what "Skyfire" really means! (shoots Skywarp down)
Skywarp (in freefall): Where'd he come from...?
Megatron: Unleash the Whozawhatzits!
(Rumble and Frenzy move the Whozawhatzits into position; the weapon fires at Ratchet, who takes on a strange purplish glow, careens out of control and crashes, dropping the also glowing Ironhide and Brawn along the way)
Wheeljack (rushing out of headquarters): What was that? Ratchet! I have to fix you, too? Oh, great... remind me to call my agent! (drags injured Autobots into headquarters one by one)
Starscream: That's the great new weapon, Megatron? But all it does is make them turn purple!
Megatron: Ah, but I know the Autobots, Starscream... and a purple Autobot will never be allowed to show his face on the battlefield again! The Whozawhatzits will decimate their force with its... Chroma Ray!
Spike: Ratchet! Ironhide!... Everybody! Noooooooooo!!! (races inside headquarters, followed by Sparkplug)

The scene shifts briefly inside Autobot headquarters, where Wheeljack is trying to repair the injured Autobots. Again. Ratchet, Ironhide and Brawn are still glowing purple.

Wheeljack: I really don't like the looks of this, guys... if I can't figure out how to reverse the effect of the Whozawhatzits' Chroma Ray in five minutes, all of you will be purple... permanently!
Jazz: I'm glad that Whatchamacallit didn't hit me! Purple ain't my style!
Ratchet: You mean Whozawhatzits.
Jazz: Whatever.
Ratchet: No, Whozawhatzits.
Ironhide: And I can't stand bein' this awful Decepti-color for the rest of my life!
Spike: You'll be fine, Ironhide. All of you. They'll be fine, right Dad?
Sparkplug: I hope so, son. And son...
Spike: What?
Sparkplug: Why do you always ask me things I don't know?
(faint clicking; we see Laserbeak landing on a beam)
Spike (without looking): Laserbeak, we all know that's you. Get outta here.
(Laserbeak stomps foot in frustration, leaves)
Jazz: How about some surgery music, Wheeljack? (cranks up the tunes to beyond full blast)
Wheeljack: Remind me again why I fixed your speakers!
Jazz: What?

The scene shifts back to the battlefield.

Megatron: With this last-minute adjustment to the Whozawhatzits, the Chroma Ray will do more than just turn the Autobots' headquarters purple... it will DESTROY IT!
Starscream: Now see? That's a weapon!
Megatron: Shut up and fire!
(Starscream points the Whozawhatzits at Autobot headquarters; a single hit coats it with a purplish glow; headquarters starts shaking)
Bumblebee (racing toward headquarters): Guys! Get outta there now! It's gonna blooooooowwwwww!!!
Optimus Prime: Bumblebee! Stay back! We need you to... state the obvious some more!
Bumblebee: You want a statement of the obvious, Prime? I'M GETTING IN OVER MY HEAD LIKE I ALWAYS DO! And you CAN'T STOP ME!
(as Bumblebee disappears into headquarters, the building shakes more violently; this is followed by a tiny firecracker-like "pop")
Starscream: That's it?!
Optimus Prime: Well, that was anticlimactic.
Megatron: I, um... must have miscalculated.
Starscream: And you call me an idiot!
Megatron: It may not be a match for their headquarters... but the rebuilt Whozawhatzits should be able to blow up the Autobots themselves! Fire at will, Starscream!
(Starscream fires toward Cliffjumper, hits a tree instead; tree explodes, except for a small section of the trunk, which bounces off Cliffjumper's head)
Cliffjumper: Ow! (shoots what's left of the tree with glass gas and shatters it)
Optimus Prime: They're too strong for us to handle alone. That Whozawhatzits is just too powerful. Dinobots! Transform and attack!
(Dinobots emerge from headquarters)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock want kill it! (kicks Megatron)
Slag: Me Slag want eat metal! (throws fireball at Frenzy)
Sludge: Me Sludge... ummm...
Optimus Prime: I knew Wheeljack should've given them brains! (points at Rumble; speaks extremely slowly) Sludge! See that! That Frenzy!
Rumble: Rumble.
Optimus Prime: Whatever. You Sludge! That BAD guy! Sludge step on bad guy!
Sludge: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (steps on Rumble, then picks him up in mouth and waves neck back and forth)
Optimus Prime (genuinely surprised): Nice touch.
Rumble: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!! Put-me-down put-me-down put-me-down put-me-down!
Sludge (mouth full): Ummmmmppppphh... no. (throws Rumble out of frame)
Grimlock: No more purple! No more boom! (swallows Whozawhatzits whole, then shoots flames out of mouth) Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!
Optimus Prime: Not bad... well done, Dinobots!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock always save Optimus Prime's butt!
Megatron: Decepticons, retreat!
Starscream: For once, Megatron, I agree! Let's get outta here! I don't wanna get stepped on by one of those Dino-boneheads!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no bonehead! Me no like you! (nearly burns Starscream to a crisp)
Slag: Me Slag no like you either! (nearly burns Starscream to a crisp)
Sludge: Me Sludge... ummm...
Starscream: Wait! Time out!!! (all freeze) Why do I get stepped on, shot down, melted, zapped or toasted every single time?
Optimus Prime: Face it, Starscream. It's just too easy.
Starscream: Yeah, you're right... hey, do you think anyone watching will remember why we started fighting in the first place?
Optimus Prime: Only the geeks.
Megatron: Starscream, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Starscream: Let's go eat?
Megatron: Eeeexxxxcellent. I know a shortcut to an all-you-can-eat buffet place.
Optimus Prime: I wish I could believe that.
Megatron: Prime. Look at us. We're huge. And we can ignore the humans' puny highways. Everything is a shortcut.
Starscream: But I hate all-you-can-eat places! My optics are always bigger than my gas tank!
Megatron: Starscream! Quit... WHINING!
Optimus Prime: Megatron, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Megatron: For once, Prime, I hope so.
Optimus Prime: Transform.
Megatron: With pleasure.
(Megatron transforms, jumps into Optimus Prime's hand; they prepare to shoot Starscream in the face)
Optimus Prime: Now you won't have optics to worry about!
(before Optimus Prime and Megatron can shoot, Starscream is knocked down from behind)
Megatron: Who took our shot?
Cliffjumper (climbing up on Starscream): That was me! See, I can shoot stuff! You never let me shoot stuff, Prime! And I can do it! I told ya!
Optimus Prime: Yeah, yeah... good job, Cliffjumper.
Cliffjumper: So can I go up front and shoot stuff now?
Optimus Prime: No.
Cliffjumper: Awwww maaaaan...
Optimus Prime: Someday, Cliffjumper. Now let's go get food already.
Brawn (unseen): Food? Where?
(Ratchet, Wheeljack, Jazz, Ironhide, Brawn, Spike and Sparkplug emerge from Autobot headquarters; all previously purple Autobots are back to their normal colors)
Wheeljack: I don't get it, Prime. These guys heard the word "food," and they felt fine all of a sudden.
Ironhide: Me want eat!
Megatron: Grimlock, be quiet!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock no say nothing! Him Ironhide have one-track mind!
Ironhide: At least I've got a mind, ya dimwit!
Megatron: We could keep talking... or we could get something done. Soundwave... make yourself useful.
Soundwave: Laserbeak. Eject. Operation. Reservations.
(Laserbeak flies off; all others laugh and exit camera right, picking up forks, knives and bibs on the way out; Megatron, dragging Starscream by the legs, is the last to leave)
Skyfire (unseen): Guys? (trudges in from camera left) Guys?! Don't tell me ya Hasbroed me out already!... Aaaaah, fergit it. (exits camera left)

The End



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